HELP My Unbelief! : When Doubt is a Disorder

Having lived with OCD for quite some time and experienced a lot of diverse obsessional themes, I can tell you that any persistent or long held obsession is most certainly going to create a painful and debilitating level of anxiety which is often accompanied by depression.

Therefore, in order to demonstrate a level of respect and empathy for others, it will be important for those of us with OCD to recognize that while our obsessional themes may differ, this doesn’t mean that our experience is more legitimate or painful than that of others.

Which, is what brings me to the point of this blog: Religious OCD or Scrupulosity may not seem like a big deal to a person with OCD who isn’t a Christian but to those of us who have struggled with it, it is a very big deal.  It might not even seem to be all that big of a deal to a psychologist who isn’t a Christian, because they cannot relate to the experience of being a Christian in comparison to the things which they deem to be real/legitimate to their own life experience.  And, conversely; It might seem like a really big deal to a pastor who is trying to help someone who is suffering from Religious OCD, but this may be because, rather than the pastor seeing it as a disorder, he might misunderstand it to be a spiritual problem which needs to be addressed through the application of scriptural truth.

These types of errant views about Religious OCD or Scrupulosity can cause the person who is afflicted with it to feel even more isolated in their suffering. The isolation might go on for a very long time until and if  they encounter other Christian’s who are going through the same thing or happen upon a Christian psychologist who specializes in the treatment of OCD.

The truth of the matter is that for the person with OCD who struggles with blasphemous thoughts or unrelenting questions and doubts concerning their relationship to God it’s sheer torture.  John Bunyan in describing how this form of OCD impacted him said: “Of all the temptations that ever I met with in my life, to question the being of God, and the truth of His gospel, is the worst, and the worst to be borne; when this temptation comes, it takes away my girdle from me, and removeth the foundation from under me.” (1)

The effect that this form of OCD had on me while it was raging was utterly debilitating.  All that had brought purpose, meaning, joy, hope and security to my existence was suddenly threatened in such a way that just being alive and trying to function took an enormous amount of grit and perseverance.

While it may be true that most genuine believers will likely experience doubt at some point in their lives, most often it is of the fleeting sort and most definitely the sort which is laid to rest by the reassurance and truth’ of the Word of God.  C.S. Lewis acknowledged this when he wrote that; “The soul that has once been waked, or stung, or uplifted by the desire for God, will inevitably (I think) awake to the fear of losing Him.” (2)

The experience of Religious OCD is, however, entirely different; in cause, in duration and most importantly in the level of suffering it creates in the person who is afflicted.

The reason I wanted to address this form of OCD is that recently I’ve encountered a mindset on several OCD forums which either minimizes it in comparison to other obsessional themes or suggests that deep down the person who is experiencing it doesn’t really believe in God and therefore, should just let go of any or all efforts to know God or pursue religion of any sort.

Both of these attitudes have erred in regard to what it’s really like for the genuine believer to suffer from Religious OCD and also in regard to what to do about it.  Both of these attitudes will also increase the level of suffering that this form of OCD creates in a person who has a genuine relationship with Christ.  To suggest that it’s no big deal is to invalidate the experience of suffering.  To suggest that the person should just let go of their silly notions in regard to faith in Christ only serves to reinforce the obsessional theme, to the point that the sufferer will feel prompted to keep on searching for reassurance because : “What if they are right? What if this means I don’t have genuine faith in Christ? What if deep down inside I’m an unbeliever?”

The first mindset suggests that the experience of Religious OCD cannot compare to the pain of other obsessions because for those who make this assertion; religion is just a point of view rather than the foundation and underpinnings of life which frames the entire world view of the person who is afflicted.   But, for the true Christian, religion isn’t just a point of view.  Our “religion” is based in a very real and very meaningful relationship with the person of Jesus Christ.  For those of us who have entered into this relationship, it is, the central and most important aspect of what it means to be fully human.   Our experience is different from the unbeliever because;

“In Him, we live and move and have our being.” (3)

The second mindset will also completely dismiss the experience of Religious OCD as being legitimate because the persons who are making this assertion feel that any belief in God is utterly nonsensical.  To them, being anxious over the loss of a relationship with Christ would be akin to an adult falling apart because they weren’t sure that Santa Claus was real.

I have had several online conversations with people on OCD forums who have suggested to me that my “religious” obsessions could be easily overcome by my admitting that deep down I didn’t really believe in God at all.  These same people are quick to acknowledge the legitimacy of, as well as the agony of other types of  obsessional themes such as contamination/germ fears, health related fears, sexual orientation, harming themes and themes which threaten close human relationships.  And yet, they remain dismissive of the experience of Religious OCD.

Several of them have said things like; ” Yeah, I used to struggle with fears about God, but I finally realized that there isn’t any God, so I stopped going to church and now I’m not bothered by it any more.”  Their solution to Religious OCD is to suggest avoidance.  Little do they realize that avoidance won’t work for a person who truly knows and loves Christ any more than it would work for the person who is struggling with harming themes or relationship themes in regard to  a close family member.  The only thing that avoidance accomplishes in all  forms of OCD is to validate the obsessional fear and thereby bring even more distress and anxiety to the sufferer.  These individuals would never suggest that the person who is suffering from harming obsessions or relationship OCD should avoid their child or their spouse, so why would they suggest that the Christian avoid Christ?  The only answer I can come up with, is that they aren’t now or ever were true believers and followers of Christ. Perhaps they’ve never really understood what it means to have a relationship with Christ.  Perhaps, they have never had the opportunity to actually; “Taste and see that the Lord is good”, in the way that I have. (4)

My goal in sharing about my Religious OCD is to reach out to those who are struggling with it and are feeling isolated and entirely alone in their experience.  I want them to know that there are others out there who truly “get” what they are going through and therefore, can empathize and offer up encouragement and hope.

Religious OCD, while it has it’s roots in an actual disorder of the brain, also has it’s roots in the fact that OCD can only create obsessional themes about that which is nearest and dearest to the sufferer.  And, for the Christian who is afflicted with OCD, it is, just as CS Lewis suggested, only natural that it would eventually pick on the most important relationship in ones life.

To read more about my experiences with Anxiety Disorders and OCD please check out my E-book on Amazon at the following link:

http://www.amazon.com/Strivings-Within-Christian-Overcoming-Anxiety-ebook/dp/B00EP4ODPK/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1434304487&sr=1-1&keywords=strivings+within&pebp=1434304487221&perid=9141F62DC4E84F4CA5C0

(1)”Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners”: John Bunyan, Penguin Books Ltd.

(2) “Letters to Malcolm, Chiefly on Prayer”, CS Lewis, Harcourt, Inc., Chapter Fourteen, Page 76.

(3) Acts 17:28 NIV Bible

(4) Psalm 34:8 NIV Bible

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13 thoughts on “HELP My Unbelief! : When Doubt is a Disorder

  1. Stewart Richards June 16, 2015 / 1:25 am

    Wonderful post as always Mitzi! Your words couldn’t be more true. It’s so unfortunate that there are people out there who try to diminish or dismiss the torture of Religious OCD themes. I agree with your stance 100 percent! And you are so right in that OCD latches on to the things nearest and dearest to us. That is the crux of the beast! But, with the right treatment and support from wonderful people like you, we can overcome!! Thank you Mitzi!! =)

    Like

  2. ocdmitzi77 July 9, 2015 / 1:10 pm

    Reblogged this on The OCD Christian and commented:

    Reblogged: Because for the Christian with OCD this is a very common experience.

    Like

  3. paulfg July 9, 2015 / 2:08 pm

    I saw my own father, a committed “christian” almost his whole life, “lose God” a few weeks before he died. I can confirm that under any and all labels and lifestyles – losing someone as real as God, doubting that reality, questioning what that means – that is like losing a massive part of yourself – and not knowing why.

    He reconnected in a much more loving and beautiful way. But that week or two will remain with me the rest of my life. No advice. Simply – whether OCD or not – please never add to the trauma by dismissing it.

    This is wonderful post, and thank you Kathy for reblogging and allowing me to “connect”.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. karen July 20, 2015 / 2:35 am

    I always thought I was the only one who suffered with this, and have struggled for so long searching for an answer without even knowing that it had a name. Thank you so much for your bravery in telling this so that others with Religeous OCD can understand what is happening to them.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Linda April 3, 2016 / 12:19 am

    I’m not crazy after all, not weak in faith, not an horribly sinful person, not a doubter, not someone who brings disgust to God, not a failure, not a 2nd class citizen in His kingdom. I’m still not back attending church regularly. I go occasionally. But, I’m only 3 or 4 months in realizing I have pure O. I’m just exhausted most of the time right now. I will be back enjoying Him and His family eventually. He does give me signs from time to time that He is still right here. Thank God.

    Like

  6. Jodi W April 29, 2016 / 2:44 am

    I’m so glad you started a blog. I have been reading your posts at christianforums from awhile ago and I was sad to see you hadn’t posted there recently. So I guess I tracked you down to find you here! I’ve dealt with anxiety disorder for many years and do tend to obsess over things as part of that. I don’t know if I have ‘OCD’ proper but I definitely have those tendencies, especially in the current bout I’m in. Obsessing that I won’t be able to believe in Jesus’ resurrection (and through that, that God even exists). It sounds so stupid to others…my family just ‘knows’ that I believe…and yet, here I am questioning and trying to convince myself and instead feeling the assurance fading farther and farther away. Lucky me, I managed to find THE biggest, scariest fear to obsess over, the one that ‘demands a verdict’ and I’m here balancing the gavel, unable to pound it because I’m just not sure what or if I believe – even after being a life-long Christian. It really is sheer torture. I care SO much. I know my life is worthless without Him. I’ve had a taste of being separated from Him through this and it is unbearable. I’ve prayed…let me believe or let me die because I can’t live without faith. But, yeah…I don’t want to die unbelieving either! So I’m perpetually stuck. I keep being told, “Just choose to believe, it’s a choice.” So I say I choose…but don’t feel like I really believe. I can’t MAKE myself feel that no matter how I try. There is no ‘sure’, there is no ‘certainty’…about God or even my own feelings and beliefs. There is never enough of what I think I need.

    Anyway, I’m glad you’re blogging because I feel you’re speaking right to me. My hope is that I will also be able to comfort others as I’ve been comforted. When I’ve got this managed, I don’t want all I’ve gone through to be wasted, I want it to help somebody else and maybe save them some of what I’ve experienced. But first, I have to get through it and I can’t see the end from here.

    Like

    • ocdmitzi77 April 30, 2016 / 12:33 pm

      Hi Jodi, I didn’t know I had OCD for most of my adult life because it was Pure O – OCD. So much of what you’ve written here is all too familiar to me. I finished a book on my experiences with OCD which I think would be a very helpful read for you. If anything, you can visit the books page and read the sample and take a look at the reviews. There’s a great deal in the book about this form of OCD. I want you to know that you won’t always feel this way. There is hope and help to press through this miserable obsession. Praying for you! Here’s the link to my book: Link: http://amzn.com/B00EP4ODPK

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Noah03 May 29, 2016 / 12:53 pm

    I have struggled since I was 21 (I am now 45). I remember times pre-21 where I can look back and see OCD popping it’s head up here and there. I remember as a little boy in children’s church, Sunday after Sunday begging Jesus not to leave me. It makes me sad to think about that. When I first read Bunyans ‘Grace Abounding…’ I thought we had come from the same womb. I cannot express how much that man and book mean to me. I have experienced almost 100% of the obsessions he went through.
    For me I truly accepted Jesus as my savior when I was 21. I had a very dramatic conversion. It is funny that the full blown OCD did not hit me until after I truly believed. Satan did not care prior to that point because I was not a threat I guess. God has given me some very clear pictures throughout the years of His love for me, but I always end up coming back to the idea that I am going to hell and there is nothing I can do to change that. I hope Jesus gives me the chance to be rid of all of this one day. It is a very difficult thing to explain to others. Most of the time I keep it to myself. Thanks for sharing, and being understanding.

    Like

    • ocdmitzi77 September 14, 2016 / 4:36 pm

      Thankful to God for using my experience to encourage you! You aren’t alone!

      Like

  8. Bethany April 16, 2017 / 8:22 pm

    Thank you so much for this. I have only just been officially diagnosed with anxiety and depression this past August, but it was actually brought on by an episode of religious anxiety. Through research, I have found many sources on scrupulosity and I believe this form of OCD led in large part to my anxiety. I hate that I cannot seem to have more than one good week in a row. I’ll feel elated and so close to God, and then something minor will happen that sends me off into obsessive thought it takes months to get over. For example, my current pastor has felt for the past few weeks that someone in our congregation is facing a conflict but not coming forward. He has voiced this openly. I’ve somehow gotten in my mind that it must be me, that maybe he’s feeling my doubts or seeing that I’m not a true believer. I feel that if I weren’t, I wouldn’t have given up long ago. But to me, letting go of God and all my beliefs would not be the easier road. I don’t know what I’d do without them, at the same time as my mind tortures me with them. It’s such a contradiction and I just feel sick of myself, but it helps knowing that someone else understands. Thank you so much for being willing to write about it and share. It helps. More than you know.

    Like

  9. Emily August 28, 2017 / 1:56 am

    I have OCD and have accepted Christ. I want to cry because I relate to all these posts so much. Thank you God for leading me to this blog!

    Like

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